Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Intelligence: Key to Success
IQ is not the key for predicting success. It is only about 20%. EQ is much more important (how you handle your feelings and relationships with other people).
When learning something or facing something new, the stronger the emotions are that you feel , the more you will remember.
The Five Main Areas of Emotional Intelligence
There are five main areas you need to improve to have a better EQ:
1. Knowing your emotions – self awareness (you need to know what you feel at the moment)
2. Managing emotions – (you need to be able to control your emotions)
3. Motivating yourself – you need to have a big vision and a powerful why. Keep your goal in front of you at all times, and take actions that lead you towards achieving it. Be positive and aggressive
4. Recognizing emotions in others – empathy (be aware of what the other person wants or feels)
5. Handling relationships – the ability to improve the other persons emotions
There are conscious emotions and unconscious emotions. Unconscious emotions can affect our decisions without even realizing it. Ex. If someone slightly irritated you in the morning and then you go out throughout the day with a short temper.
Emotional Intelligence and Mood Control
Some people keep themselves intentionally in a bad mood so that they are more motivated to do something. Ex. To fight someone {professional fighters).
There are people who are less sensitive to emotions, even dispassionate, and people who are hypersensitive, these people feel everything deeply. For them a bad thing can be hellish and a good thing heavenly.
Each time someone angers you, before you have cooled down from your previous stressful event, you become angrier and angrier. There are two ways to cool down.
1 – catch and challenge the train of thought that makes you angry – the sooner the better.
2 – to distract yourself – move away from the stressor and think about something positive.
Same goes for sadness and depression.
Also a good way to release anger is to try to relax. To release sadness is to increase your energy levels (listen to some upbeat music, sing a song, watch a movie, exercise, play a game, shop, daydream about something positive.
The key center for processing negative emotions is in the right hemisphere. For positive emotions is in the left, as well as the speech center.
If you see something with your left eye, it goes into the right hemisphere, and if you see it with your right eye it goes into the left hemisphere.
Emotional Intelligence in Learning and Motivation
Emotions can interfere with studying and working. When someone is stressed the brain only focuses on the stress itself, so the working memory in the brain reduces. You need to be relaxed and get in the flow if you want to achieve maximum results.
Motivation is key. You need to be self-motivated for success. Motivation gives you energy and passion, and it doesn’t let failure get the most of you. when you are motivated you keep going until you are there.
When you are in a good mood you are more creative. You have a broader perception of things. The brain makes decisions based on the current mood. If you are in a positive mood the brain remembers more positive stories, so it increases the chances of making a pro decision(even if it is a little riskier).
A good way to bring yourself in a good mood is to read a joke, watch a funny movie or a funny video.
Grit, Self-Control, and Optimism
You need to have grit and self control so that you can succeed. People who are able to control their impulses and their emotions are much more successful in every field.
Motivate yourself, find ways to achieve your goals, reassure yourself that you will succeed, and that things will get better. Be resourceful. If a plan doesn’t work, change the plan, but not the goal.
Optimism is having a strong expectation that things will turn out as they should. Optimism is much more important than ability. When pessimistic professional salesmen were compared to a regular , but optimistic people, the optimistic people outperformed the salesmen. Optimistic people tend to view the situations as something that they can change. There is always something that you can do to change the situation for the better.
The Power of Flow
Flow: the state where everything seems effortless, and where hard things are easy. This can be achieved only if the task is not too easy nor too challenging. If the task is too easy the person becomes bored. If the task is too hard the person becomes anxious. The state of flow is best achieved in things that you like doing, that you are passionate about. That can be playing music, sports, studying, programming… the best way to enter this state is with high focus on the task at hand.
Emotional Intelligence in Relationships
When a baby is out of tune (neglected) with his parents, especially the mother, it has lower empathy. If the baby has experienced emotional abuse, it becomes hyper-alert to the emotions of the people around him (so that it can protect itself). However, these states are reversible. When the baby grows older, if it has healthy relationships with the people around him, or in psychotherapy, the person can become emotionally healthy again. (it is highly likely that in the beginning of the relationships this person will be out of sync with his partner, until the emotional balance in him is returned).
Communication and Conflict Resolution
If you want to help other people deal with their emotions, first you need to be able to handle your own emotions (first step in this is being aware of yourself), second you need to know what they are feeling (empathy), and third you need to know how to help them change what they feel (usually, distraction).
When two people are interacting, the person with more forceful (energetic) expressions will have the dominance. Meaning, the other persons will catch the first persons feelings. If you like the mood of the other person then its fine to join in.
With empathy, however, (showing sympathy to a person u already know, that is in a bad mood), you need to start at her level of energy and then pick it up, so that you can help her get out of the bad mood.
When trying to help people improve their mood, you need to know their drive and their goal.
Two people come into attunement when their movements are synchronized. The more their movements are synchronized the more comfortable they are with each other.
When trying to join a new group of people, wait for a while and observe, then make your way in by agreeing with their topic of discussion. Don’t disagree too soon, don’t try to change the subject too soon and don’t try to take the lead too soon.
When trying to calm an angry person, first, empathize with them (acknowledge their point of view), then give them an alternative, something more positive.
Women want to talk about things with their partner (their relationship, their emotions…), while men want to do things with their partner. Woman are more vocal about the flaws of their partner and their relationship.
When something that the other person does bothers you, tell her, without attacking her as a person, but pointing out to the exact action that is hurting you. U can use the XYZ approach. Ex. When you did X, it made me feel Y, you should have done Z instead. If she complains about something (the reason is probably because she wants to improve the relationship), hear her out.
Acknowledge her feelings. She needs to know that she’s been heard and understood. After that you can offer a solution to the problem.
If you see that an argument is escalating (your Heart Rate will go up by at least 10 beats), give your selves some time apart (at least 20 minutes) to think about the things and to calm down.
Practice these things when you are not angry, so that it’ll be easier to recall them when needed.
Leadership and Workplace Emotional Intelligence
Communication is key. Talk about everything that needs to be talked. Give feedback. Without feedback other people wont know how they are doing, where they are going, or even the expectations of them.
Managing people is the same as in a relationship. U need to be considerate of their feelings. You need to communicate and give constructive feedback very often. If you don’t tell the worker what he is doing wrong, he is not going to know. He will continue to do the mistake, you will continue to get upset until one day you blow up and yell at him, which will demoralize the worker. So that’s why they need to know their objective, their duties, and get regular feedback on how they are performing.
If the worker has done something wrong, you need to point out exactly what they did wrong, and tell them what their goal is so that they can create a plan to fix the mistake. You can even offer a plan to them.
When praising a worker use the same principle. Point out exactly what they did right.
When someone is discriminating someone else, we need to speak up. If the other people stay silent it means that they are supporting that kind of attitude, but if they speak up, they are discouraging it. Working together towards a common goal is a way of bringing two people closer.
In a team there are three forms of networks: expertise (someone you talk to when you need expert advice), communication (friends, acquaintances) and trust (someone you can share your secrets with).
If you want to excel you need to be proactive and self-motivated to take initiative to do more than just your regular job responsibilities, to go above and beyond what’s expected of you.
Emotional Intelligence and Health
Emotions affect health, to a degree. Studies have shown that negative emotions can decrease the immune system and leave the body exposed to a number of diseases. They have also revealed that people with negative emotions, handle diseases less effectively. Meaning, they struggle for longer periods and have a high possibility of reoccurring. On the other hand, positive emotions can boost the immune system and help fight off diseases. People who are positive struggle less, heal faster and are less likely to have a reoccurring of the disease. This, of course, happens in combination with a proper treatment.
Sharing your burdening thoughts with someone, even on paper and showing it to anyone, helps relief the pressure.
Solitude and Emotional Well-Being
Solitude is a double edged sword, depending on your attitude. If you look at it in a positive way, like a chance to arrange your thoughts, decompress etc. it is very helpful. On the other hand, if you don’t like being alone, solitude can be a source of many troubles (depression, anxiety…).
When doctors treat patients, they should also consider their patients feelings.
People will always choose a place or a service in a place where they are treated nicely, with respect and compassion.
Emotional Intelligence in Parenting
When the parents of a child are emotionally intelligent, the child will learn that as well, and will be more successful in every area of his life. The parents are the most important part of a child’s learning experience. They need to teach him how to distinguish his emotions, and how to control them. For ex. If the child is crying, you need to ask him what made him feel that way and then offer him an alternative of what he can do.
There are 7 key ingredients that parents need to develop in a child:
1. Confidence
2. Curiosity
3. Intentionality
4. Self-control
5. Relatedness
6. Capacity to communicate
7. Cooperation
A baby needs attention at all times, even if it wakes you up at 3 A.M. it needs to be taken care of with love and respect, so that it can feel safe and have confidence.
Overcoming Fear Through Emotional Intelligence
Fear is learned by having something scary happen. Any time something happens that reminds the person of the event the body is going to react in the same way as if the same event was happening again.
Fear can be unlearned. First thing to do is to remove yourself from the stressor (the cause). Then you can either imagine the event in your head and give it a different outcome ( this time you are a winner in the event), or you can practice it in real life. Ex. If you are scared of dogs because a dog attacked you, then find a similar dog that is friendly, and little by little start playing with it. This will help lower the reaction intensity, even numb it completely.
Emotional Intelligence and Personality Types
Everyone is born with a certain temperamental type. There are four different types: timid, bold, upbeat and melancholy. Even though you are born with one type, it can be changed. Ex. If a baby is born as timid, it should not be protected from life’s small challenges, like if the baby wants to play with something unsafe you need to be firm and not let him do that. The ratio of holding the baby when its calm should be greater than the one when he is not. This does not mean that the child should not be comforted. On the contrary, when comforted, the child learns how to comfort itself (later in life) when in distress. It means that it should be held more when its not crying. This approach does not mean withholding comfort but rather fostering resilience by providing comfort in a balanced way, which is a key aspect of emotional intelligence.
For someone who has OCD it is very helpful to get them to the starting position of their obsession and not let them continue the action. Instead, let them think about what really will happen if they don’t do it.
The Impact of Experiences on the Brain
Experiences change the brain. They make more and stronger neural circuitry (neural connections).
Children that have been neglected or punished when they shouldn’t have been punished, often become bullies if they cant control their impulses. They perceive everything as a threat even if it wasn’t meant to be, so they act like that to protect themselves (their point of view).
Children that have been punished when they weren’t supposed to, and allowed to do things that they should not have done, often feel helpless when they grow up.
Depression comes when you think that you don’t have any control over your life. If you have a positive attitude and If you think that you can handle the things in your life and change the things you don’t like, you will be happier.
If a child develops depression early in life, it falls back socially, intellectually and emotionally. So when the child gets out of depression it has a lot of catching up to do.
Emotional Disorders and Their Root Causes
Eating disorders like, anorexia and bulimia, have their primary source as someone being unable to differentiate their feelings, so they confuse it with hunger and then try to overcompensate for the extra food they’ve eaten.
Classes for social arts work best for children of third and fourth grade (teaching them how to interact with their friends, to have more fun, to be polite and firm, to make interesting games…)
People with depression usually turn to stimulants. Here supplementing serotonin and/or MAO can help. People with anxiety usually turn to alcohol, which soothes the anxiety. In people with anxiety, supplementing GABA can help soothe the anxiety, instead of abusing alcohol. People with anger issues usually turn to opioids .
The Importance of Early Education
Children need to be educated early in their lives about sexual abuse, how they can prevent that, early signs of an abuser, how to protect themselves. They also need to know how to have more self-confidence, self-awareness, and how to control their emotions, relieve tensions. Emotional intelligence plays a crucial role in these areas, equipping children with the ability to navigate their emotions effectively.
Organizing emotional intelligence classes is the best way to prevent emotional outbursts. Names for these classes can be: social development, life skills, social and emotional learning. These classes should cover real topics, like: teen smoking, drug abuse, pregnancy, dropping out, violence, VD information, self awareness … They should also cover events that happened to them and talk about how that make them feel, why they did that, what could they do better.
In classes like self science, children should be encouraged to talk about what is bothering them and try to find a solution about that problem. However, they should not be pressured to talk about it if they don’t want to.
Topics in the self science class: self awareness ( recognizing your feelings, giving them names, seeing the links between thoughts, feelings and reactions, knowing if thoughts or feelings are ruling a decision, seeing the consequences of alternative choices, recognizing your strengths and weaknesses), Managing emotions (realizing what is causing a feeling) and learning ways to handle them, taking responsibilities for actions and decisions and following through on commitments, Empathy, Relationships, being a good listener and question-asker, distinguishing between what someone says or does and your own reactions and judgments, Being assertive, Cooperation, Conflict resolution, Negotiation. There are no grades in this class.
Timing Emotional Education
Timing is everything when learning about emotions. The younger children start with the most basic emotions and as they get older they learn about different emotions.
Stop light about a strong negative emotion.
Red light 1. Stop, calm down, and think before you act.
Yellow Light 2. Say the problem and how you feel.
3. Set a positive goal.
4. Think of lots of solutions.
5. Think ahead to the consequences.
Green Light 6. Go ahead and try the best plan.
The best way is for the parents to be included as well. meaning, they should assert the learning at home.
Understanding the Emotional and Rational Mind
There are two types of emotions: impulsive and reflective. Impulsive is faster than the thought process, this is usually the fight or flight response, or when we get that instant ‘gut’ felling about something or someone. Reflective emotions come as a result of our thoughts. We cant control what we feel, but we can control what we think about. So with that, we can change how we feel.
The emotional mind is associative. It takes a symbol and associates it with something else. It is far more important what something reminds us of, than what it really is. Everything there is black and white. It is self-confirming. Meaning, it will reject everything else that is not confirming the story it made. So things like poems, fables, stories, songs etc. speak directly to the heart.
The rational mind takes facts. It works on cause and effect. One fact can change its whole perspective.
If you encounter a situation that you have already been through, the emotional response will be similar, depending on how strong of an emotion you’ve had the first time. The stronger the emotion, the more similar the reaction.
By understanding these mechanisms, individuals can develop greater emotional intelligence, resilience, and control over their reactions, leading to a more balanced and fulfilling life.